A Very Merry (low-key) Birthday

As I mentioned last year, I have had a difficult time with my birthday over the last few years. I know -- it's better to have one than not, the people who love you like having the chance to celebrate you, I'm not over-the-hill yet... but it's still uncomfortable for me to celebrate, especially given the disappointing year I've had, personally.

But, with an incredible family I felt loved. My mom and dad made plans to take us to the Padres game that night but I was surprised that my brother, sister and their "significant others" came as well. We sat in the Park in the Park beforehand to eat sammiches. We got the awesome give-away 1984 jerseys. Also, my mom and sister made the cutest little snack packs (and Sophia got me a birthday button).

The Padres honored first responders who saved lives and homes during the fire storm the week before, which was really moving. They played 80s music the whole game -- The Dancing Groundskeeper made and appearance (with backup dancers, which is now my new career goal). We lost. But it was fun.

And the next day we got to enjoy a delicious Memorial Day bbq with the whole family, who despite carefully declaring that it was simply a bbq in which we happened to have a birthday cake, still made me feel special. How can you not when you take home these incredible flowers?

Finally, because I'm considering it a late birthday gift; I have to share my giddiness at getting a personal tweet from Michael Kelly, who plays Doug Stamper on House of Cards. #gahhh I mean, my HOC withdrawal sparked a total fixation on this guy (mostly his voice, I could listen to him read the phone book; but how gorgeous is his smile--which we never see on the show). Anyways, he seems like a totally nice guy and I appreciate his support of gun regulations and I appreciate that he took the time to respond. Sure it's a little thing but apparently we both totally made each other smile. And now we're getting married. #DougStamperLives

So the birthday is over for another year and it didn't make me feel any better about being 31 and in the midst of a total career stagnation and not having babies or a house or a dog; but it did make me feel loved. And isn't that what's really the most important?

Making a wish for everyone to be surrounded by love on their birthday and always,

Employment Update (3)

It's been awhile since I updated anyone who cares to know about my dismal job prospects.

I'd had some great interviews with really world-class organizations. At least the feedback I got was that they were great... but there was someone just a little bit more perfect than me. I'd also applied for at least 6.4 million  trillion jobs for which I was perfect on paper and never even got a response ("Thanks but no thanks," "Go away," "Kiss our collective ass," nothing). 

And as family and friends kept reassuring me, this happens to a majority of people out there. Especially when you're competing among thousands of people and hundreds of applicants for ONE position. And even more especially when the company or organization is probably legally or otherwise obligated to open the position to anyone even though they've already decided to promote from within or promised it to their ex-mother-in-law's nephew's girlfriend or something. In the end there is only so much you can control and the rest is out of your hands... It. Is. The. Actual. Worst. And I always believed that good things would come to good people who worked hard. 

This gets you a more polite rejection. Sometimes.

And it finally made me realize that I don't think I want to do that anymore. In my career thus far I have never stayed more than about three years in one job, and even that was at my most recent one. I don't want to continue looking for new jobs every couple of years and I would be really pushing my luck by doing that the older I get. Plus, every time I've started somewhere new I've had to start at the bottom again. I've never had a significant raise, promotion or bonus, even though I've always been asked to take on more responsibilities and did so well. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, because I see other people who I went to school with, pursuing the same type of work and apparently loving and excelling at it. I imagine that it's some combination of 

• lack of self-confidence (I settle instead of going after what I really want and know I could be capable of)
• bad luck and timing (who gets laid off the day after their wedding, COME ON) 
• loyalty (I've stayed in positions out of some feeling of obligation when my instincts told me it was time to start looking for something better)
• lack of a killer instinct (I'm in no way my own best advocate--from what I've read this is a bit of a female problem-- and always act just grateful that I'm allowed to come to work instead of acting like I know I'm an asset to the company)
• being a girl (let's be real here)
• not being willing to move or take an obscene commute (can't / won't)
• just not being good enough (this one kills me because I feel like I should have complete control over this)

So basically it sucks. And even though I love what I've done (for the most part) in PR and marketing and fundraising and event planning and think--if I could just get a real opportunity--that I could be bangin,' I finally decided I am having a mid-life crisis and want to get away from all that and do what I planned to and should have done in junior high and high school -- I want to go back to school and train to be a certified occupational therapy assistant. Total change but it has the potential to let me fulfill what I really want in a job--the chance to help people, to be creative and challenged, and to have security to raise a family. 

So I have to re-take anatomy as a pre-req before I can apply to the program, wait out however long the waiting list is, and then bust my ass for about two years to complete it. So it will be an awkward and potentially difficult few transitional years. But the long-term prospects for this field are so much better in terms of  job growth, opportunities, salary, and flexibility (I originally became interested in OT by visiting nursing homes with my grandmother, who worked for some time as a sales rep for orthopedic splints to help patients with things like hand contractures due to arthritis or a stroke; but I've also observed the OT for the school district working with the autistic children my mom works with, and would love to help special needs kids adapt to their classroom and succeed). What's also funny is that my sister, who graduates from UCSD in a few weeks, is thinking of pursuing the same field (or PT)...So maybe we can take some classes together :)

I'm a little encouraged because I was at an OT conference last year (again, tagging along with my Nana who was hosting a booth for the company she works for) and met some students in the program I'd like to apply to; and they said that actually most students in the program are people in their 20s and 30s who have some experience who are trying to change or further their careers, not necessarily 18yr olds who are making good life decisions early. So even though I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being a student again (I think I forgot how to do that) and being too old to go back to school and feeling like it's already too late to change direction in life, I'm trying to trust the voice inside me and those from people I love around me who are saying that I can do this and that it will be ok.

In a perfect world I would be able to go back to school part-time while we have little infants and toddlers in the house, then maybe find a perfect 25-30 hr/week job or something flexible when our kids get into school. That's the best case scenario and obviously considering how my work life has gone so far I don't expect that. #jaded

Also, I've decided that in order to be able to concentrate on school, when I get to that point, that I'd like to find a job that leaves work at work, and doesn't require longer hours or deadlines or things of that nature. So I've applied to some temp-to-hire type agencies that place people in a lot of admin-type positions. Admin work (filing, answering phones, etc.) has always been my least-favorite part of any job I've had but I know I CAN do it if I have to and I think it will fit my needs. However, after a completely unsatisfactory experience so far, I'm starting to evaluate whether we could be realllllllly disciplined and frugal and survive if I just stayed home for a few years with some babies--after all, most jobs I'm applying to right now would pay me about $2 an hour once we paid for daycare, taxes, gas to go to work, etc.... and I don't want our babies in full-time daycare, it's just not for us. SOOOOO... that is what's occupying my brain pretty much every moment that we're not watching Game of Thrones or Mad Men.

Trying to keep the faith that this is how life works.

Anyone else having their mid-life crisis or regretting their career choices? Anyone trying to make a huge change and having trouble with that first step? Anyone want to give me a pile a of money so I can afford to stay home with my precious not-yet-conceived children for a few years? Anyone feel like I'm making another terrible life decision? Anyone have a better idea (my other idea is to move to like, Finland or Denmark or Sweden)?

Please wish me luck because I'm going to need it,