Happy Name Day

Today is my Aunt Gloria's birthday, so... Happy Birthday!

She moved to France to go to art school when she was like, 18 or 20 and eventually settled in London. She is endlessly creative and resourceful; and can make something beautiful and unique out of basically anything.

Installation: plaster, steel rod, bitumen

Gloria Carlos skulls on display at Knebworth House.
Skulls are carved and individually adorned with recycled antique
brass, tin and iron objectswith hand-forged stands. 

Some time back, she starting making jewelry. Really unique jewelry that contrasted forged iron and precious metals.

A ring she made me when I started college that I've worn basically every day since...
and a pair of earrings that I receive compliments on every. time. I wear them.
**Not a professional or remotely competent earring model**

And at some point a friend of hers was working as a costumer for a TV show and buying pieces to use in dressing one of the characters. You might have heard of the show; it's called Game of Thrones.

What? Oh yeah, that's just Daenerys Targaryen wearing a one-of-a-kind ring and bracelet made by Gloria Carlos.

So with Comic Con closing yesterday, Game of Thrones being more popular than ever (I am SO bummed that the line to "Survive the Realm" stretched almost around the entire block because I was actually considering getting a House Baratheon tattoo --- I'm House Stark, but I love the antlers); it's perfectly fitting that there's now an opportunity for fans and admirers to get a custom-made replica of the Khaleesi ring or bangle.

Like, not a cheap knock-off, but a limited-time, made-to-order piece of jewelry ("jewellery" as I guess they say across the pond?) made with the same attention and method as the original.

It's a pretty cool thing and awesome for her. I hope anyone reading this will also take a look at her other work --- aren't those adorned skulls amazing! You can find her website and social media below. She has an amazing perspective and eye for the beautiful and unique.

Online store where you can order a Khaleesi ring or bangle

http://www.gloriacarlos.com/ 

Facebook

Pinterest

Twitter

So Happy Birthday, Aunt Gloria! May the coming year bring love, laughter and exciting new adventures and opportunities. Much love,

The B-side of that Padres Mixtape

That's what cassettes had, right? I know vinyls had a B-side... didn't cassette tapes?

A couple of months or so ago I made a hypothetical mixtape for Padres fans. I liked to think of it as equal parts hopeful, justifiably critical, a bit cynical, and above all --- dedicated with love.

Well when I made that mixtape and attempted to eloquently state my reasoning behind each song selection, I was under the false impression that the season couldn't get worse. I should have known better.

Because there's nothing like seeing homegrown talent get traded and then flourish with a "big club" or questioning three-seasons-ago roster moves or trying to learn a million new names when injuries result in guys being called up or just being disappointed to hear about a player suspension.  Or being no-hit for the second time in two seasons. By the same pitcher.  #DarkestTimeline

And of course there was the absolute heartbreak that was Tony's passing. Can't really go there right now.

So I'd been considering making a few additions to the mixtape, and whilst currently watching this rag-tag group of dreamers taking on the Cubs, why not....

1. "When Will I Be Loved?" - Linda Ronstadt
Written by Phil Everly of the Everly Brothers --- but I'm sharing Linda Ronstadt's performance because she's my Number One Girl Crush --- I wonder if he was in fact a prophetic Padres fan... Consider lines such as "When I find a new man... he always breaks my heart in two... (granted that was slightly altered from the original)" and "I've been made blue..." Really, Phil Everly? What did you foresee that we didn't? And do any of your other songs contain clues as to when the team will #BringBackTheBrown and, you know, win?

Not baseball-related but in my next life I want to come back as 20-year old Linda Ronstadt.

2. "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" - The Beatles

Yeah, I know some incredible fans who are loyal-to-the-core, ride-or-die types, but that doesn't mean it isn't a bit embarrassing sometimes to sit through another 1-0 or 2-0 loss... to have fans of other teams ask what's happened or what's being done to improve and you really don't know what to tell them... I'm not suggesting that anyone hide their love for the Pads by any means --- in fact I'm all for spreading the love and trying to convert anyone who will listen to give our guys a chance --- but with lyrics like "Everywhere people stare - Each and every day - I can see them laugh at me..." it's hard not to identify with this Fab Four tune every once in awhile.

3. "Hopelessly Devoted To You" - Grease Soundtrack

"Oh, you have a bad baseball team? Cry me a river," - Cubs fans, probably. 

This is how I feel every year at the trade deadline:

"Hold on 'til the end...that's what I intend to do."

4. "Waiting in Vain" - Bob Marley

Hey, new owners... you gonna' make this a winning franchise or what? Yeah, the payroll increased --- we're still within the bottom 10 teams and shedding some of the bigger contracts --- and the pitching is pretty solid if you don't count the injuries and I hear that you've made your desire for an All-Star Game at Petco known. These are all good things. But Padres fans have waited a long time and went through some pretty patience-testing times with recent owners. Please don't trail us along leaving teeny breadcrumbs of hope only to come up short when the big opportunities present themselves. We've waited long enough (In fact, I recently commented vented to my mom and dad that so far this ownership has proven that the thing they're really good at is hosting memorial services ---- and I don't ever want to have to go through one of those again. Two in six months is more than enough.). 

5. "Running On Faith" - Eric Clapton

You've got to keep it to be able to run on it, right? 

6. "You Still Believe in Me" - The Beach Boys

Imagine getting a love song like this from the ownership/struggling players. I. Would. Swoon. 

"I know perfectly well

I'm not where I should beI've been very awareYou've been patient with me...
How can it be
You still believe in me..."
More so from the ownership/front office of the last six or seven years --- I feel like, just admit that you've made mistakes; we'd respect that more than statements that sound like flimsy excuses/passing the blame or cover-ups.

So what genres am I clearly missing in the two editions of this mixtape? And what do you want to see from this team; in the last few days before the trade deadline and looking towards next year? I have mixed feelings about posting this now that the Padres just beat the Cubs 8-3 but let's have this conversation anyways ---- I need to think of some really fun, positive songs to include!!

Keep the Faith, 

Remembering Mr. Padre

The news of Tony Gwynn's passing hit like a ton of bricks this morning. 

For many of us, he was the bright spot in what can be a trying existence as a Padres fan. 

And his personality and kindness will be remembered even more than the perfection with which he came up clutch and nailed the 5.5 hole so many times.

This might be the hardest year for Padres fans... forget the win-loss record and management issues and the uniform color --- this game is about history and people and tradition and legacy and class and in just six months we've lost two of the best who emulated those qualities day in and day out.

I've never heard a bad thing said about Tony. If even just a small fraction of people who were inspired by Tony have become better ballplayers and better people because of his example, the world is an immensely better place because of it. An incredible gift and legacy for the sport and for our community. Thank you, Mr. Padre.

I have a lot of feelings about this and might want to write more later. Also, there's nothing I can say that someone hasn't already said more eloquently than I could. In the meantime, while I'm not a professional with the video-making by any means, putting this together was seriously cathartic. I have to admit I gave myself goosebumps. Obviously I don't own the pictures and am grateful to the many talented photographers, artists and journalists, professional and amateur, who made these available. And I'm grateful as always to The Beatles for timeless music that transcends decades and generations to say what my heart is feeling. If this brings a smile or small comfort to any fellow fans out there, I'll consider it "paying it forward" for all the times Tony made me smile. 

Spread love and laughter, 

A Mixtape for #Padres Fans

Are you old enough to remember buying blank cassettes in order to make a mixtape -- a collection of songs with particular significance, or just the ones you wanted to listen to on repeat in your Walkman?

#AgingMyself

I still like to make mixtapes for all occasions (i.e. - holidays, birthdays, dinner parties, road trips), only now with Itunes I don't have to wait for a certain song to come on the radio and hit "record" on my little purple Sony cassette player. Technology has changed lives, dude.

Anyways, as any San Diego Padres fan -- or anyone whose team isn't necessarily lighting up the standings -- knows, it's a long season. Sometimes when the on-the-field performance isn't much to speak of, conversation turns elsewhere. I've had the pleasure of great conversations with local fans via the magic of Twitter, and a few common themes seems to come up over and over again ---

• why does it feel like the ownership doesn't listen to fans? why do they refuse when asked to offer insight on the supposed fan feedback and focus groups whose data leads them to make decisions on the fan experience and marketing?
• on that note - why does it feel like the ownership and management does nothing to really endear itself to fans, instead distancing itself through the same mediocre business decisions? 
• why does it seem like the team makes the same decisions over and over when from an armchair quarterback perspective, they're idiots? 
• why can't we get three hits in a row (as Steve Poltz so perfectly sang)... your pitchers should't have to throw a shutout every night in order to make sure you have a chance to win... I'm a pitching-and-defense-appreciating girl, but at some point you do have to score in order to win.
• why must we suffer through the same disappointing cycle of tracking our minor league prospects' progress for years, celebrating their debut in the majors and enjoying their success, only to see them traded to a big-time team for more prospects when they are due a new contract?

• And, BRING BACK THE BROWN, ALREADY (or, don't because it looks like poop and the '70s uniforms are ugly and we have no imagination to visualize a modern, updated uniform that incorporates brown as a tribute to Padres' history and to differentiate ourselves from the multitudes of teams wearing blue, which the aforementioned management has latched onto for no apparent reason).... there's some healthy debate on this one, but I refuse to believe that we're the so-called "vocal minority."

And thus, I have made a mixtape for my fellow long-suffering Padres fans, to reflect these thoughts and conversations, inspire hope, and maybe offer a little comic relief. I hope it brings a small slice of satisfaction to this fabulous and long-suffering fanbase.

1. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction; The Rolling Stones -- whether it's like, every pitcher in your starting rotation and half the bullpen needing Tommy John the same year, your homegrown second baseman signing a huge contract and then seemingly forgetting what a bat is for, your starting pitched giving up one run in the first but otherwise pitching a gem and still getting a 1-0 loss, or the ownership making a strong declaration that they claim is based on market research and refuse to disclose said research, it can be hard to get much satisfaction from this team sometimes (and yet, nobody is going anywhere... #KeepTheFaith)
2. I Wanna' Know What Love Is; Foreigner -- "In my life, there's been heartache and pain; I don't know if I can face it again... Can't stop now, I've traveled so far, to change this lonely heart..." I consider this a bit of a love letter to the ownership. CHOOSE ME. LOVE ME. TAKE ME OUT TO A NICE DINNER AND SHOW ME YOU STILL CARE.  

   

   I hate this show and every character in it because of lines like this.

3. Don't Let Me Down; The Beatles -- the title is self-explanatory. Nobody ever loved them like we does.
4. You Were Always On My Mind; Willie Nelson -- I imagine that this would be the ownership/management's answer to my plaintive #3-4.
5. The Fixer; Pearl Jam -- Couldn't leave out something from the center of The Vedder Cup. Don't we all wish some Fixer would come in and get. shit. done. on the field, in the front office, on the teevee, etc. We need a Doug Stamper (and YES I GOT IN A DOUG STAMPER REFERENCE). 

   

   New Manager?

6. I Want You Back; N'Sync -- dedicated to Brown Uniforms everywhere.  

   

   No poop-and-mustard-colored uniform could ever be as awkward as this.

7. We're All in This Together; High School Musical soundtrack -- the Padres are a mid-market team, generally shunned or ignored by the national media, and our home games are routinely infiltrated by fans of other teams who are either SD transplants or or marked the trip on their calendar when the schedule came out because Why Wouldn't You Want To Come To San Diego On Vacation From Chicago?  Fellow Fans, the odds are stacked against us; we shouldn't waste our time and energy on arguing within the ranks on the uniform color or who's batting eighth. 
8. Fighter; Christina Aguilera  -- Hey Padres, it's frustrating loving you sometimes. Thanks for making me a little bit stronger. "But your joy ride just came down in flames 'cause your greed sold me out in shame" -- dedicated to the '93 fire sale (in which I distinctly remember being So. Mad. in the car with my dad -- I think we were getting tacos -- at the trading of Gary Sheffield, but then I stood next to him crying at Trevor's #51 retirement ceremony so sometimes life comes full-circle.) Full disclosure -- I would have preferred a way to get Dirrty on this list as far as Xtina goes, but I wanted to maintain the integrity of this project.
9. Hold On; Wilson Phillips -- it's kind of like the musical manifestation of Keep The Faith. 
10. Faithfully; Journey -- it can't be easy being a professional ballplayer... the long road trips (especially the young'uns on long bus trips), the pressure of trying to make the most of every opportunity... I've had this conversation many times over the years --- for all their frustrating decisions, I've always felt like, overall, the Padres have a pretty good group of guys. Not a ton of assholes in the bunch. And, at least in recent years, even when the talent might not be up to par and the going gets tough, you never doubt that they're at the plate just phoning it in... they're at least trying.  So I imagine this as a duet between players and fans.
11. I Dreamed a Dream; Les Miserables soundtrack -- A bit dramatic. But remember when you were just a youngster of a fan and yeah the losses hurt and sometimes players let you down but you didn't know enough to really critique the team and either way it didn't matter because you were just so damn happy and excited to watch baseball? Going to a game was like going to Disneyland combined with Chuck E. Cheese combined with your birthday. Why don't we retain that excitement?  

    

    vive la revolution?

12. Stand By Your Man; Tammy Wynette -- and show the world you love him. Keep giving all the love you can.
13. They Go to San Diego; Mel Torme - because we're the destination for pitchers hoping to revitalize their careers, troubled players needing a change of scenery, or once-glorious bats hoping to squeak out a couple more seasons in a low-pressure environment with plenty of golf options and a great environment that their kids will love during the summer.
14. A Little Bit is Better Than Nada; The Texas Tornados -- because mediocre and even downright bad baseball is better than no baseball (also, this is from the Tin Cup soundtrack and you gotta' love Kevin Costner playing a down-on-his-luck athlete going after his dream, right?).
15. The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful; Jimmy Buffett -- more for the title/chorus than the entirety of the lyrics, but hey, come for the weather, right?
16. Won't Get Fooled Again; The Who -- One, this is a fave of mine and completely bad ass. Speak up with your voice and your wallet and demand more from the powers-that-be, it's our money their taking to  (not so easy when bad baseball is better than no baseball, though).
17. Minority; Green Day -- another tribute to the "Vocal Minority" of the #BringBackTheBrown movement.
18. Local Hero; Bruce Springsteen -- let me get deep for a second; because I feel like whoring the Park in the Park out to the Fox Sports San Diego desk (on what planet is it necessary to have a desk/stage that big?) has compromised the Park in the Park experience (the top of the hill was among the best seats out there) and more importantly, the Tony Gwynn statue. There is no justifiable excuse in my mind for that monstrosity of a news desk to be blocking Mr. Padre and taking away from fans' ability to experience something so meaningful (this has been covered much more eloquently here). 

    

    Tony deserves better. So do the fans.

19. Let It Be; The Beatles -- When the night is covered by the marine layer, there is still a light that shines on our team... 'til tomorrow, Let It Be. There will be an answer.... maybe from the draft, maybe from a trade or free agency signing, maybe from yet another Tommy John; but listen to your heart for The Colonel's words of wisdom. 
20. Baseball; Ozma -- baseball is inherently nostalgic... and it's a GAME. Let's not let the business of baseball ruin the thrill of a triple, the grace of a double play, or the edge-of-your-seat drama of a no-hit bid. As Crash Davis said better than I ever could; "This game's fun, ok? Fun goddammit!"

    

    It would always be worse.

Ok Padres fans, what do you think? Agree/disagree...what songs would you add? I would love to expand the list!! Aside from making the on-the-field changes that the team obviously needs, what would you do to make sure we're all having more fun (goddammit)? Have you signed the Bring Back the Brown petition yet? Is "You Lost That Loving Feeling" a good move for in-game sing-along or is it like trying to make "Fetch" happen?

xoxox

Keeping the Faith, 

The Last Five: Books I Read (Second Edition)

A second edition of the last five books I've read... there should be another edition coming soon. I've been doing a lot of reading but not a lot of summarizing of  said reading.

Cleopatra - Really interesting. Almost reads like an awesome textbook; it's obviously meticulously researched and it rarely offers speculation. This isn't a historical fiction novel or a dramatized account that loosely interprets history... but it's so engaging (even though you have to work at it a bit to remember names, dates, locations) that I didn't even notice until I had almost finished it that it has almost no dialogue. Starting with the image on the cover, it will challenge what you think you know about Cleopatra (especially if, like me, Elizabeth Taylor is what comes to mind when you think of her).

Drowning Ruth - This is an odd book, but it's really hard to put down. My grandma passed it on to me after she picked up a stack of paperbacks at a thrift shop. I love historical fiction, so the book has that going for it, but it's written from different first person points of view and goes back and forth in time; so it keeps you on your toes in terms of  knowing where things are. Also, right up until the end you don't know if the characters were at the center of a murder or tragic accident. Yeah... it's a bit of an odd one and overall not very uplifting whatsoever, but one that I sped through.

The Zoo - So my Papa gave me this one for Christmas and laughed to himself that "this isn't the kind of book you usually read." It's definitely something he'd read, he usually has a military mystery or spy thriller paperback by his side. And even though it's not something I'd probably have picked out for myself, I tore through this one. I won't be surprised if this becomes a movie. It's far-fetched (I hope--it's about something human-created that's driving animals to attack people) and it's a disaster and it's rather violent. You just have to go with it. But I took from it a strong message about our destruction of the environment and the impact of our choices and dependence on technology; that alone makes it compelling to me.

One Thousand White Women - I expected this to be something a bit different; and if I'd had the pen in hand I think I would have taken a different route with this. Nevertheless, it's very engaging. Once again, historical fiction, and once again from a woman's perspective -- in fact the entire thing is written as a series of journal entries. So it's a guy writing as an woman in the 1870s raised upper class but who was exiled by her family for falling for a lower class guy and then said family conspires to have her put into a mental institution because they're ashamed of her. She then forges some signatures so that she can join a project of similarly disenfranchised women from the East Coast to GO WEST and marry "savages" to help settle the prairies and convert Native Americans to Christianity and (really the main objective of this hypothetical government-sponsored mission) to convince their new husbands to move to the newly established reservations.  Had this been written in the present tense and not trying to adopt the voice of a progressive-yet-still-genteel 25 year old woman with insane life experiences, I think it would have been more effective, I just couldn't buy the voice and internal monologues of this lady. Still, a very compelling look at the time period, the lives, and of course the shameful mistreatment of Native Americans.

Lost in Shangri-la - Ok, this really needs to be a movie. Wow. Amazing (true!) story of a plane that went down in a remote jungle in New Guinea during WW2... on a morale-boosting sight-seeing trip, of all things. There are three survivors, including a spunky WAC, a ragtag team of paratroopers sent it to help perform a daring rescue, and tribes of indigenous people that had been basically isolated and "undiscovered" by the outside world. This one is also impeccably researched and very tenderly crafted. The author clearly cares deeply about the very real people that he came to know as he researched and wrote this book, and is very objective in his observations of a completely foreign culture, the potentially avoidable circumstances of the plane crash, and the aftermath and rescue operations. I would so watch this movie---I've already cast it in my head.

So there's my last five! Some good, some slow, some scholarly, some weird... some all of the above! What are you recently or currently reading and what should I add to my list? My current five books have kind of a common theme of adventure, leaving your comfort zone, taking a leap of faith.... and I'm starting to think it's a sign and that I should take advice from them! Anyone else find that you tend to read similarly themed books all in a row?

Happy Readings,

A Very Merry (low-key) Birthday

As I mentioned last year, I have had a difficult time with my birthday over the last few years. I know -- it's better to have one than not, the people who love you like having the chance to celebrate you, I'm not over-the-hill yet... but it's still uncomfortable for me to celebrate, especially given the disappointing year I've had, personally.

But, with an incredible family I felt loved. My mom and dad made plans to take us to the Padres game that night but I was surprised that my brother, sister and their "significant others" came as well. We sat in the Park in the Park beforehand to eat sammiches. We got the awesome give-away 1984 jerseys. Also, my mom and sister made the cutest little snack packs (and Sophia got me a birthday button).

The Padres honored first responders who saved lives and homes during the fire storm the week before, which was really moving. They played 80s music the whole game -- The Dancing Groundskeeper made and appearance (with backup dancers, which is now my new career goal). We lost. But it was fun.

And the next day we got to enjoy a delicious Memorial Day bbq with the whole family, who despite carefully declaring that it was simply a bbq in which we happened to have a birthday cake, still made me feel special. How can you not when you take home these incredible flowers?

Finally, because I'm considering it a late birthday gift; I have to share my giddiness at getting a personal tweet from Michael Kelly, who plays Doug Stamper on House of Cards. #gahhh I mean, my HOC withdrawal sparked a total fixation on this guy (mostly his voice, I could listen to him read the phone book; but how gorgeous is his smile--which we never see on the show). Anyways, he seems like a totally nice guy and I appreciate his support of gun regulations and I appreciate that he took the time to respond. Sure it's a little thing but apparently we both totally made each other smile. And now we're getting married. #DougStamperLives

So the birthday is over for another year and it didn't make me feel any better about being 31 and in the midst of a total career stagnation and not having babies or a house or a dog; but it did make me feel loved. And isn't that what's really the most important?

Making a wish for everyone to be surrounded by love on their birthday and always,

Employment Update (3)

It's been awhile since I updated anyone who cares to know about my dismal job prospects.

I'd had some great interviews with really world-class organizations. At least the feedback I got was that they were great... but there was someone just a little bit more perfect than me. I'd also applied for at least 6.4 million  trillion jobs for which I was perfect on paper and never even got a response ("Thanks but no thanks," "Go away," "Kiss our collective ass," nothing). 

And as family and friends kept reassuring me, this happens to a majority of people out there. Especially when you're competing among thousands of people and hundreds of applicants for ONE position. And even more especially when the company or organization is probably legally or otherwise obligated to open the position to anyone even though they've already decided to promote from within or promised it to their ex-mother-in-law's nephew's girlfriend or something. In the end there is only so much you can control and the rest is out of your hands... It. Is. The. Actual. Worst. And I always believed that good things would come to good people who worked hard. 

This gets you a more polite rejection. Sometimes.

And it finally made me realize that I don't think I want to do that anymore. In my career thus far I have never stayed more than about three years in one job, and even that was at my most recent one. I don't want to continue looking for new jobs every couple of years and I would be really pushing my luck by doing that the older I get. Plus, every time I've started somewhere new I've had to start at the bottom again. I've never had a significant raise, promotion or bonus, even though I've always been asked to take on more responsibilities and did so well. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, because I see other people who I went to school with, pursuing the same type of work and apparently loving and excelling at it. I imagine that it's some combination of 

• lack of self-confidence (I settle instead of going after what I really want and know I could be capable of)
• bad luck and timing (who gets laid off the day after their wedding, COME ON) 
• loyalty (I've stayed in positions out of some feeling of obligation when my instincts told me it was time to start looking for something better)
• lack of a killer instinct (I'm in no way my own best advocate--from what I've read this is a bit of a female problem-- and always act just grateful that I'm allowed to come to work instead of acting like I know I'm an asset to the company)
• being a girl (let's be real here)
• not being willing to move or take an obscene commute (can't / won't)
• just not being good enough (this one kills me because I feel like I should have complete control over this)

So basically it sucks. And even though I love what I've done (for the most part) in PR and marketing and fundraising and event planning and think--if I could just get a real opportunity--that I could be bangin,' I finally decided I am having a mid-life crisis and want to get away from all that and do what I planned to and should have done in junior high and high school -- I want to go back to school and train to be a certified occupational therapy assistant. Total change but it has the potential to let me fulfill what I really want in a job--the chance to help people, to be creative and challenged, and to have security to raise a family. 

So I have to re-take anatomy as a pre-req before I can apply to the program, wait out however long the waiting list is, and then bust my ass for about two years to complete it. So it will be an awkward and potentially difficult few transitional years. But the long-term prospects for this field are so much better in terms of  job growth, opportunities, salary, and flexibility (I originally became interested in OT by visiting nursing homes with my grandmother, who worked for some time as a sales rep for orthopedic splints to help patients with things like hand contractures due to arthritis or a stroke; but I've also observed the OT for the school district working with the autistic children my mom works with, and would love to help special needs kids adapt to their classroom and succeed). What's also funny is that my sister, who graduates from UCSD in a few weeks, is thinking of pursuing the same field (or PT)...So maybe we can take some classes together :)

I'm a little encouraged because I was at an OT conference last year (again, tagging along with my Nana who was hosting a booth for the company she works for) and met some students in the program I'd like to apply to; and they said that actually most students in the program are people in their 20s and 30s who have some experience who are trying to change or further their careers, not necessarily 18yr olds who are making good life decisions early. So even though I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being a student again (I think I forgot how to do that) and being too old to go back to school and feeling like it's already too late to change direction in life, I'm trying to trust the voice inside me and those from people I love around me who are saying that I can do this and that it will be ok.

In a perfect world I would be able to go back to school part-time while we have little infants and toddlers in the house, then maybe find a perfect 25-30 hr/week job or something flexible when our kids get into school. That's the best case scenario and obviously considering how my work life has gone so far I don't expect that. #jaded

Also, I've decided that in order to be able to concentrate on school, when I get to that point, that I'd like to find a job that leaves work at work, and doesn't require longer hours or deadlines or things of that nature. So I've applied to some temp-to-hire type agencies that place people in a lot of admin-type positions. Admin work (filing, answering phones, etc.) has always been my least-favorite part of any job I've had but I know I CAN do it if I have to and I think it will fit my needs. However, after a completely unsatisfactory experience so far, I'm starting to evaluate whether we could be realllllllly disciplined and frugal and survive if I just stayed home for a few years with some babies--after all, most jobs I'm applying to right now would pay me about $2 an hour once we paid for daycare, taxes, gas to go to work, etc.... and I don't want our babies in full-time daycare, it's just not for us. SOOOOO... that is what's occupying my brain pretty much every moment that we're not watching Game of Thrones or Mad Men.

Trying to keep the faith that this is how life works.

Anyone else having their mid-life crisis or regretting their career choices? Anyone trying to make a huge change and having trouble with that first step? Anyone want to give me a pile a of money so I can afford to stay home with my precious not-yet-conceived children for a few years? Anyone feel like I'm making another terrible life decision? Anyone have a better idea (my other idea is to move to like, Finland or Denmark or Sweden)?

Please wish me luck because I'm going to need it,