makeover my soul

Name that movie quote.

I needed a change. Or rather, the blog did.

To be honest I really don't know what this little space should be. Or what it will be. I love the idea of it evolving into a legitimate job opportunity, the idea of being able to work from home around Critter's schedule (and my ever-growing list of doctor's appointments) but I'm the worst entrepreneur and wouldn't know where to start to make this into something that could be part or full-time. ANd I still don't know what I really want to write about. I'm not a "Mommy Blog" even though I have so much to say about my first year as a mom. This isn't a blog about breast cancer even though I've been pretty preoccupied by that lately. And it's not a blog about Down syndrome, even though I'm passionate about the community, or about crafting and DIY even though that's probably my only real hobby at this point.

I'm not sure where this is going and I guess that sounds a lot like the rest of my life at this point --- I have a good idea of what I want it to be and I don't know how I'm going to get there. I know a few things for sure --- I enjoy having a place to write and share and appreciate hearing feedback, if anything I write is ever helpful to someone then it's worth any amount of time and effort on my part, and I want this to be a reflection of my best self. So it was time for a bit of change.

"Paint by Number Dreams" to me was about things that were missing, colors needing to be filled in, just an outline that had so much promise but needed to color to be full and vivid. Metaphorically speaking, much of that happened when Milo came into our lives. As cliche as it is, becoming parents made our lives richer and more meaningful (and chaotic and challenging) than we could have imagined; and in particular, finding our footing in the special needs community has offered us so much that we may not have otherwise experienced. Milo is the promise that has been fulfilled and more than I will ever deserve.

"Day by Grace" is a better reflection of where I am now... Most days are good, some are really, really hard; and all of them are made full and possible with grace.

Over the past few years and especially the past few months, I've put my faith in the belief that God has a plan for me and us. I have to, otherwise none of the bad things that happen make any sense. I know many would say that bad things are just part of life because its not fair, but I believe that yes, bad things happen, but they serve some greater purpose or plan. We don't know what that is yet, but that's where the faith part comes in. None of us are perfect of deserving or capable of fully understanding it, but God has woven our lives together and we just have to trust that things will work out the way they're supposed to... 

image via Etsy

I'm not saying I believe that everything that happens is good or for the greater good, sometimes things happen that are just terrible and don't make sense and are beyond my ability to understand --- like a few weeks ago when my heart broke over reading about several other young moms who were diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and didn't make it more than a year. What good comes from that we will never know in this lifetime. 

But I do know that grace finds us at our lowest point and helps make it possible to move forward and try again another day. Sometimes that might be a "sign," sometimes it's someone you love offering a shoulder to cry on, maybe it's even giving into our sadness and frustration by binging on comfort food but only for awhile. God works in mysterious ways, right? Grace meets us where we are and leaves us in a better place. 

image via A Holy Experience

So I'm trying to make it day by day, by grace. And I'm trying to be grace for others and recognize it when others are the daily dose of grace in my life. I'm trying to appreciate more and be more present (as I play Raffi songs and hand snacks to Milo asking him to please give me ten minutes to finish this post). Most of all, I'm praying to live with grace and gratitude and to use those in whatever path life is taking me down, so that wherever it leads my heart will be full and I'll be confident in the love that surrounds me.

Full of Grace, 

#HairChat

I can't speak for everyone, but among the first things I thought about as the news of a cancer diagnosis sank in was losing my hair. It's so shallow, I know. I promise my first thought was how long I'd be able to continue to give Milo breastmilk.

Anyways, there's so many types of treatments today and chemotherapy doesn't always mean that losing hair is inevitable, but with what I'll be given it looks like that's the case. So for a week--actually within the first couple of days--I've adjusted to the thought of losing this. I've never been one to cry over a haircut--I mean it grows back--but I have control issues in terms of I hate it when I can't control something, and this is beyond my control. There was something I could do though, and that was firing the first shot, so to speak. Bear with me through awkward selfies and glimpses of our horrible original 1970's bathroom.

Things actually worked out because I'd been wanting to cut my hair anyways and thought that hair loss would probably be easier with short hair. It was the longest it had ever been but my comfort zone is really not past my shoulders. It tangled so easily, took forever to dry, and was always in the way. "Mom buns" gave me a headache from being so heavy, so it was usually in a braid. I did get a terrible picture in Heidi braids, for posterity (I'd always wanted to have Heidi braids!).

...also apparently I have Bigfoot's hands..? (see bottom left)

And since it was for the first time in my life long enough, I wanted to take the opportunity to donate it. I've heard mixed things about whether or not Locks of Love and similar nonprofits can use colored hair for wigs or other efforts to benefit their organization, but my hairdresser said she'd take care of it and I figure I'll let them work it out when they receive it.

Julianne has cut and colored my hair for more than ten years!
Guess this will probs be my last visit for awhile,
though she did so sweetly offer to help me shop for a wig.
Can you believe we cut off an almost 12-inch ponytail?!

People have asked whether I'll use a wig or scarves or just rock a bare head and truthfully it's hard to say. I'd like to think I'd be confident enough to wear nothing or maybe a little scarf or cap... but I think I want a wig as an option. I wouldn't want to stick out or get attention or pity for this situation; and for example at my brother's wedding later this year, I want to look back at the family pictures and see the beautiful happy couple, not a reminder of going through treatments. My mind could change in the coming months, since I've never been through this before I guess I'll learn as I go!

I should have done this a long time ago!
My hair is so 'bleh' when it gets long and
feels ten pounds lighter and so much healthier shorter!
(Ignore the miles and miles of bags under my eyes!)

And knowing that many people have hair grow back differently that it was before chemotherapy I'm crossing my fingers that I'll get beachy waves with amazing natural highlights and none of these current random strands of grey!

It's only hair,

I regret to inform you

I guess I only update this blog when I have big news over the last year. I swear I'm trying to get better at that; I've thought about it over the past 12 months and wanted to write, it just hasn't been a priority. Plus I feel like I don't have a "thing;" I could try being just another mommy blog, I could write about our Down syndrome experience but that's not my whole life, I don't cook or craft enough to make a DIY blog...  Just not sure where I fit in. But I digress.

gratuitous cute baby picture :)

So maybe you've noticed but there's a thing where PR/marketing types try to bury negative news on a Friday afternoon; with the hope that it goes relatively unnoticed over the weekend and disappears with the Monday news cycle. Look for this during the presidential campaigns.

Anyways, I wouldn't say I'm trying to bury this, necessarily, but I definitely regret having this news to share---some background (to skip over if you don't like breastfeeding talk):

Some of you know that I've exclusively pumped breastmilk for Milo since Day 1. This wasn't our first choice and we tried everything to get him to nurse, but it is what it is. Over the last 2-3 months I've been having some issues with pumping and as I hand-expressed, noticed what I thought was a blocked milk duct, and despite my best efforts it only got worse.

Several visits to the lactation consultant later, she and the Ob-Gyn referred me to Radiology to make sure it was just a blocked duct and not something to really worry about... An ultrasound quickly turned into a mammogram and biopsies, and 3 business days later (this past Tuesday) I was called by the Breast Care Coordinator confirming that they did find cancer.

This was unexpected and although there's never a "good time" to get this news, it's obviously not welcome when I've got such a little guy with such special needs to consider. I've already met with an oncologist and a surgeon, and following some diagnostic procedures it sounds like I will start 6 rounds of chemotherapy within the month, followed by a mastectomy this summer, and then hormone therapy. My family has been incredible but I would expect nothing less.

It's not my style to think that my health problems would be the center of anyone's universe and I don't like to be the center of attention, especially for something like this, but because I know I have such great and caring friends I will do my best to keep this updated for you and answer as many questions as I can. On a related note, because people have already started to ask, there's nothing special I need except your prayers, good vibes, loving thoughts, or just a nod to the heavens for successful treatment and healing. And I would ask that you keep Enrique and Milo in your prayers as well---E always tries to do too much and I don't want this experience to be too hard on him, and Milo is too young to understand but I want his little world to remain as familiar and comfortable and stable as possible. I worry for my family; I am so blessed to be loved by the greatest people and I know this is hurting them.

My guys.

As for me, I'm grateful for the miracles of modern medicine that are giving me the chance to fight this and recover my health, I'm grateful to have health insurance that is taking good care of me, I'm grateful for the endless support of my family and friends. And I'm inspired by countless others before me who have bravely fought this battle; there are so many who are living with cancer in their rearview mirror and I have every intention of doing the same.

Maybe there is actually something I can ask of you: don't brush off your health concerns and make sure that the people you love take care of themselves. Also, always be kind.

With so much love,

Employment Update (3)

It's been awhile since I updated anyone who cares to know about my dismal job prospects.

I'd had some great interviews with really world-class organizations. At least the feedback I got was that they were great... but there was someone just a little bit more perfect than me. I'd also applied for at least 6.4 million  trillion jobs for which I was perfect on paper and never even got a response ("Thanks but no thanks," "Go away," "Kiss our collective ass," nothing). 

And as family and friends kept reassuring me, this happens to a majority of people out there. Especially when you're competing among thousands of people and hundreds of applicants for ONE position. And even more especially when the company or organization is probably legally or otherwise obligated to open the position to anyone even though they've already decided to promote from within or promised it to their ex-mother-in-law's nephew's girlfriend or something. In the end there is only so much you can control and the rest is out of your hands... It. Is. The. Actual. Worst. And I always believed that good things would come to good people who worked hard. 

This gets you a more polite rejection. Sometimes.

And it finally made me realize that I don't think I want to do that anymore. In my career thus far I have never stayed more than about three years in one job, and even that was at my most recent one. I don't want to continue looking for new jobs every couple of years and I would be really pushing my luck by doing that the older I get. Plus, every time I've started somewhere new I've had to start at the bottom again. I've never had a significant raise, promotion or bonus, even though I've always been asked to take on more responsibilities and did so well. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, because I see other people who I went to school with, pursuing the same type of work and apparently loving and excelling at it. I imagine that it's some combination of 

• lack of self-confidence (I settle instead of going after what I really want and know I could be capable of)
• bad luck and timing (who gets laid off the day after their wedding, COME ON) 
• loyalty (I've stayed in positions out of some feeling of obligation when my instincts told me it was time to start looking for something better)
• lack of a killer instinct (I'm in no way my own best advocate--from what I've read this is a bit of a female problem-- and always act just grateful that I'm allowed to come to work instead of acting like I know I'm an asset to the company)
• being a girl (let's be real here)
• not being willing to move or take an obscene commute (can't / won't)
• just not being good enough (this one kills me because I feel like I should have complete control over this)

So basically it sucks. And even though I love what I've done (for the most part) in PR and marketing and fundraising and event planning and think--if I could just get a real opportunity--that I could be bangin,' I finally decided I am having a mid-life crisis and want to get away from all that and do what I planned to and should have done in junior high and high school -- I want to go back to school and train to be a certified occupational therapy assistant. Total change but it has the potential to let me fulfill what I really want in a job--the chance to help people, to be creative and challenged, and to have security to raise a family. 

So I have to re-take anatomy as a pre-req before I can apply to the program, wait out however long the waiting list is, and then bust my ass for about two years to complete it. So it will be an awkward and potentially difficult few transitional years. But the long-term prospects for this field are so much better in terms of  job growth, opportunities, salary, and flexibility (I originally became interested in OT by visiting nursing homes with my grandmother, who worked for some time as a sales rep for orthopedic splints to help patients with things like hand contractures due to arthritis or a stroke; but I've also observed the OT for the school district working with the autistic children my mom works with, and would love to help special needs kids adapt to their classroom and succeed). What's also funny is that my sister, who graduates from UCSD in a few weeks, is thinking of pursuing the same field (or PT)...So maybe we can take some classes together :)

I'm a little encouraged because I was at an OT conference last year (again, tagging along with my Nana who was hosting a booth for the company she works for) and met some students in the program I'd like to apply to; and they said that actually most students in the program are people in their 20s and 30s who have some experience who are trying to change or further their careers, not necessarily 18yr olds who are making good life decisions early. So even though I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of being a student again (I think I forgot how to do that) and being too old to go back to school and feeling like it's already too late to change direction in life, I'm trying to trust the voice inside me and those from people I love around me who are saying that I can do this and that it will be ok.

In a perfect world I would be able to go back to school part-time while we have little infants and toddlers in the house, then maybe find a perfect 25-30 hr/week job or something flexible when our kids get into school. That's the best case scenario and obviously considering how my work life has gone so far I don't expect that. #jaded

Also, I've decided that in order to be able to concentrate on school, when I get to that point, that I'd like to find a job that leaves work at work, and doesn't require longer hours or deadlines or things of that nature. So I've applied to some temp-to-hire type agencies that place people in a lot of admin-type positions. Admin work (filing, answering phones, etc.) has always been my least-favorite part of any job I've had but I know I CAN do it if I have to and I think it will fit my needs. However, after a completely unsatisfactory experience so far, I'm starting to evaluate whether we could be realllllllly disciplined and frugal and survive if I just stayed home for a few years with some babies--after all, most jobs I'm applying to right now would pay me about $2 an hour once we paid for daycare, taxes, gas to go to work, etc.... and I don't want our babies in full-time daycare, it's just not for us. SOOOOO... that is what's occupying my brain pretty much every moment that we're not watching Game of Thrones or Mad Men.

Trying to keep the faith that this is how life works.

Anyone else having their mid-life crisis or regretting their career choices? Anyone trying to make a huge change and having trouble with that first step? Anyone want to give me a pile a of money so I can afford to stay home with my precious not-yet-conceived children for a few years? Anyone feel like I'm making another terrible life decision? Anyone have a better idea (my other idea is to move to like, Finland or Denmark or Sweden)?

Please wish me luck because I'm going to need it, 

An Impromptu Look Back at 2013

I'm not good at this nor do I usually take an inventory of my year when January 1st is a day away. But for prosperity's sake, and because I feel like this is a year in which E and I have been in some significant transition, a quick look back at the good, bad and ugly of 2013.

Disclaimer: I'm absolutely certain I'm leaving a million things out (which is why someone doing a real inventory would not start at 3pm on December 31).


Good:
- E's new gig
- Our first camping trip :)
- A weekend getaway for wine tasting and thrift store shopping (where I found what is, by my mental calculations, my most-worn dress of the year)
- Watching Roger Federer at Indian Wells again
- Watching lots of baseball, football and tennis
- The Delta Tau Chapter of Alpha Gamma Delta 10-Year Reunion
- Re-colonizing the Delta Eta Chapter of Alpha Gamma Delta at SDSU and getting to know great women as an advisor
- Throwing a fun '80s party
- Throwing a fun ice cream social
- Lots of good food
- Our precious Goddaughter turned one and is smarter, cuter and more fun every time we see her (impossible, I know)
- Our shows (pathetic, I know but cheap thrills are everything)
- Spending time with our amazing family and friends...who -- thankfully -- overall are doing well and have had many highlights of their own this year -- we've been happy to hear of and celebrate weddings, more new babies, new jobs, world travel, special relationships, etc.

Bad:
- Losing my job
- We didn't buy a house
- We didn't have kids
- We didn't somehow pay off all our student loans, inherit millions from a long-lost uncle or get funneled a fortune by a Nigerian prince... which would have helped us in achieving the house and/or kids
- The Padres didn't win the World Series (again)


Good and Bad (or Bad and Good):
- Turning 30
- Papa gave us a scare and needed a pacemaker installed... but received great care and is feeling much better
- E's sister had some health scares but is making progress in overcoming them


Ugly:
- My stringy, flat hair... good thing change is only a cut away!
- Our countertops, carpet, bathroom and all our closets... too bad that's not such an easy fix (paging Nigerian prince, we could use the cash flow here)
- My attempts at cooking, occasionally


You know what..? It was a pretty good year.

As always, it is my family and friends who make my life and story complete. My new year is only as happy as the happiness that we share. Wishing everyone an incredible 2014 full of love, laughter and new adventures.

What are you looking back on and looking forward to as we slip out of 2013 and into 2014? Are you the type to make resolutions? Any you are willing to share? If you were me, what resolutions would you make? I'm not resolution person... but this year I do have a pretty long to-do list. We'll see how it goes.

Cheers!!!

The Last Five: Books I Read

I love to read. I always have. As a kid I always had a book with me--in the car, anywhere I had to wait, if we went to a restaurant... I remember going to the library what felt like almost every week during the summer (thanks Mom!) and even reading with my nightlight after I'd already been tucked into bed. Both my parents did so much to foster my love of reading and I hope they realize what a gift that has been--it's something I hope to do for my own kids one day.

Of course as a student the pleasure reading seems to fall by the wayside a bit but now I try to always have a book in progress and really love to end my day with some reading on my pillow, even just for 10 minutes.

If I had to choose I'd have to say that I love history/historical fiction, or current books about places I just can only imagine (I loved Three Cups of Tea and Stones into Schools, there's been a few that I've passed on to multiple family members that we all loved - Cane River was one, Big Stone Gap was another; and I absolutely love books about smart, strong, sassy women--I read Bossypants by Tina Fey on our vacation last year and had tears in my eyes from trying to stop myself from laugh-snorting on the plane, and my favorite book of all time is Little Women.)

 

I thought I'd pass on the last few that I've read, I hope someone might find a new favorite or even just a light read.

All Things Bright and Beautiful / All Creatures Great and Small - I remember reading some of James Herriot's children books (especially The Christmas Day Kitten) but didn't realize until recently what a collection he had produced. This is just such a sweet collection of stories and although it looks like a huge book (the version I have is actually both volumes published together), the nice thing is that you can pick it up, read a quick chapter, and put it down for a few days or a week if you have to; it's not so involved that you have to remember lots of names, dates, etc., although the main few characters are so delightful you won't have trouble remembering them, they feel like old friends. I read this over the summer but given the geography (old Yorkshire farmland), it would be lovely to read this over the winter curled up in a blanket with your warm beverage of choice.

Lady of the Rivers / The White Queen / The Red Queen - I'm grouping these together even though I first read The White Queen over a year ago.... and even though these were published in a different order, I would suggest reading them in chronological order (though there's some overlap in The White Queen/The Red Queen). I love historical fiction, and I know these books can sometimes have more fiction than history, but they are still fascinating, and what I love best is that they tell history from the perspective of three incredibly strong and determined women. Especially in a time when women had so few options and were usually taking instruction from a father or husband, it's great read about women who fought to shape their own destiny and to fiercly protect and advocate for their children and families. Sure they are at times ruthless and manipulative, but they get things done.

Serpent in Paradise - If you are like me and dream sometimes of going Kerouac and heading to an island where your future children will never hear of Fox News or partisan politics or have to hear anything ignorant or experience bigotry or witness hatred or wear shoes.... then this book could make you think twice. The author experiences living in the most remote community in the world and from her experiences you come to understand that human nature knows no geographic boundaries and living in any kind of community is both challenging and rewarding. I found it fascinating even though it's apparently a bit dated in terms of present-day access to the island, etc.

The Madonnas of Echo Park - Found this at Dollar Tree, of all places... What I loved about it is the really diverse cast of characters, and how the author wove together each of their stories. Everyone's lives flow and connect and pass each other in unexpected ways and made me turn back to a page earlier in the book to see if there was a clue I missed. I also really like that most of these characters are working class, or even pretty impoverished--dealing with daily trials, broken families, "bad" neighborhoods--and so often these are stories that stay in the dark, that we don't hear... and yet they are interesting and touching and deserve to be told. This book helps bring a better understanding of others and reminds me that everyone we meet is fighting their own battle and has a story to tell.

What have you been reading--- anything on this list? If so, what did you think of them? What should I add to my list? Are youa Kindle/IPad type of reader or are you like me and still like to turn pages?


Happy Reading!

 

cathartic

When my hair starts to get past my shoulders I always think that I am going to let it keep growing and have long, flowing, Bohemian-looking awesomeness or something huge and sexy...

And maybe it looks ok once in awhile (trust me, I know this is not even long by most standards but this is about as long as I've ever had it)... but mostly it just starts to feel stringy and split-endy and generally boring and gross. My hair is super-fine so it feels yucky if I don't wash it at least every other day (i.e. - I'm not one of those girls who can wash it once a week); and basically I just get sick of it and bored.

#AwkwardSelfies

And usually chop it off. Right around my shoulders seems to be my sweet spot.

I'd been thinking it was time to cut and when the job news (or lack thereof) came last month I took it as a sign that it was time for a change and fresh start. So two days after the Big Announcement, off it came. I find it kinda' cathartic (that's such a chick-flick thing to say, right?).

Besides, I think this looks a lot more polished for all the interviews I'll be having (knock on wood). #Hopefully

Post-job interview!

It also feels ten pounds lighter and looks healthier. I like to think it's like at the end of Tangled when Rapunzel really came into her own once she lost all the hair literally weighing her down (sidebar: Seriously Eugene? You just take a random hack at her hair and it magically becomes this cute, layered bob? Ok Vidal Sassoon.).

I mean, the first time I asked for The Rachel in seventh grade,
it looked like my head was run over with a lawnmower.
A lawnmower with its eyes closed. #AmIRite?

So buh-bye long-ish hair. I'm sure I'll be back at some point. In the meantime, saving money on shampoo!

What was your last big hair change - cut, color, bangs? Are you the type to cry after a haircut (no offense but I smirk at you if so)? Do you prefer Rapunzel's hair to be long and lovely or short and sassy?

Unemployment, Day 1: Bucket List

I'm one of those people that picks their optometrist based on whether they're open on a Saturday and only schedules appointments after 5:30 so I don't have request to leave work early... I've had super-flexible bosses the last few years, should've taken advantage of it, I know...

So now that I have some time free during business hours, and don't have as much pressure to fit fun and productivity into just 48 precious weekend hours, I have the following on my (incomplete) unemployment bucket list.

In no particular order:

1. Use my gift certificate for facial laser peel
2. Go to dentist, optometrist, try to get a referral to neurologist or whoever prescribes the miracle migraine medication
3. Detail the car
4. Organize our closets (clothing and linens)
5. Organize my craft and DIY supplies (side-note: I may have some craft supplies to pawn off on people pretty soon)
6. Use my groupon for carpet cleaning 
7. Start really working out again (ha)
8. Stock the freezer full of healthy crockpot meals that will be ready to go
9. Organize the pantry
10. Go to the beach like I haven't all summer (sacrilegious in SD, I know)
11. Focus attention on my role as Campus Relations Advisor for Alpha Gamma Delta at SDSU and with a charity event project I've had brewing in my head for awhile....
12. Take up my grandparents' always-available offer to come over for lunch or dinner (one of the benefits of living 5 minutes away).

Things I plan to do to stay sane:

Maybe I've been watching too much Orange is the New Black (eeeeee soo good! The Season 1 finale, ohmygod...Pretty sure I'd do alright in prison now) but I believe there is value in creating a routine and to-do list to stay productive and not waste my time not spent working on job applications. As I recall during unemployment it's really easy to get stuck in a rut of wearing pajamas all day, not eating reagular meals, not getting fresh air all day... making you just feel crappy. So my goals for day-to-day include, but are not limited to:

1. Wake up at the same time I normally would if I were going to work.
2. Eat a nutritious breakfast (which I haven't done yet today and now at 1pm I'm on the edge of starving).
3. Exercise, preferably outdoors.
4. Not watch trashy television and try not to work with MSNBC on in the background too much (oops, hour 2 of MSNBC is on as I type this).
5. Get dressed every day, even if it's just shorts and a tee-shirt or something to wear working out. Sure, I'm one to stay in my pjs all day on the occasional Saturday if I'm just doing stuff around the house, but to do so day after day just makes me feel sloppy and lazy... and doesn't project the confidence that I want to portray. 
6. Talk to people, not just online, and socialize. Sure you don't want to go out to lunch everyday or anything, but you can get really lonely and isolatedat home all day and it doesn't take long before you feel like a mjor loser.

Anyone have advice on how to stay productive, focused and positive? Anyone on their second round of unemployment? :(  Any ideas on what I should add to my lists? Anyone want to hang out so I'm not such a loser?


 Halfway done with Day 1!