makeover my soul

Name that movie quote.

I needed a change. Or rather, the blog did.

To be honest I really don't know what this little space should be. Or what it will be. I love the idea of it evolving into a legitimate job opportunity, the idea of being able to work from home around Critter's schedule (and my ever-growing list of doctor's appointments) but I'm the worst entrepreneur and wouldn't know where to start to make this into something that could be part or full-time. ANd I still don't know what I really want to write about. I'm not a "Mommy Blog" even though I have so much to say about my first year as a mom. This isn't a blog about breast cancer even though I've been pretty preoccupied by that lately. And it's not a blog about Down syndrome, even though I'm passionate about the community, or about crafting and DIY even though that's probably my only real hobby at this point.

I'm not sure where this is going and I guess that sounds a lot like the rest of my life at this point --- I have a good idea of what I want it to be and I don't know how I'm going to get there. I know a few things for sure --- I enjoy having a place to write and share and appreciate hearing feedback, if anything I write is ever helpful to someone then it's worth any amount of time and effort on my part, and I want this to be a reflection of my best self. So it was time for a bit of change.

"Paint by Number Dreams" to me was about things that were missing, colors needing to be filled in, just an outline that had so much promise but needed to color to be full and vivid. Metaphorically speaking, much of that happened when Milo came into our lives. As cliche as it is, becoming parents made our lives richer and more meaningful (and chaotic and challenging) than we could have imagined; and in particular, finding our footing in the special needs community has offered us so much that we may not have otherwise experienced. Milo is the promise that has been fulfilled and more than I will ever deserve.

"Day by Grace" is a better reflection of where I am now... Most days are good, some are really, really hard; and all of them are made full and possible with grace.

Over the past few years and especially the past few months, I've put my faith in the belief that God has a plan for me and us. I have to, otherwise none of the bad things that happen make any sense. I know many would say that bad things are just part of life because its not fair, but I believe that yes, bad things happen, but they serve some greater purpose or plan. We don't know what that is yet, but that's where the faith part comes in. None of us are perfect of deserving or capable of fully understanding it, but God has woven our lives together and we just have to trust that things will work out the way they're supposed to... 

image via Etsy

I'm not saying I believe that everything that happens is good or for the greater good, sometimes things happen that are just terrible and don't make sense and are beyond my ability to understand --- like a few weeks ago when my heart broke over reading about several other young moms who were diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and didn't make it more than a year. What good comes from that we will never know in this lifetime. 

But I do know that grace finds us at our lowest point and helps make it possible to move forward and try again another day. Sometimes that might be a "sign," sometimes it's someone you love offering a shoulder to cry on, maybe it's even giving into our sadness and frustration by binging on comfort food but only for awhile. God works in mysterious ways, right? Grace meets us where we are and leaves us in a better place. 

image via A Holy Experience

So I'm trying to make it day by day, by grace. And I'm trying to be grace for others and recognize it when others are the daily dose of grace in my life. I'm trying to appreciate more and be more present (as I play Raffi songs and hand snacks to Milo asking him to please give me ten minutes to finish this post). Most of all, I'm praying to live with grace and gratitude and to use those in whatever path life is taking me down, so that wherever it leads my heart will be full and I'll be confident in the love that surrounds me.

Full of Grace, 

And We All Shine On

Dear Milo,

You've made your first trip around the sun! The thing is, Critter, you shine brighter than the sun ever could.

 

I hope you always feel how much you have been loved since before we could even imagine who you would turn out to be. I hope you always know that you have been wanted and dreamt of and hoped for since long before I even knew your daddy. I hope you always understand that you make us so incredibly happy, proud, and joyful and that you have blessed us beyond measure. I hope many things for you, but mostly I hope you have love in your life; and you will because your daddy and I love you more than we could ever express.

We've learned so much from each other this first year, or at least Daddy and I have learned so much from you. We've had adventures and mishaps, routine and anything but, blissful happiness and frustration like I'd never experienced. We've had literally thousands of bottles fed, dirty diaper changes, hundreds of hours spent pumping milk, and typically two wake-ups per night.

You have the sweetest, most generous smile and the kindest eyes but you've got a stubborn streak and challenge that stereotype about "Downs kids always being happy." You have a tendency to startle easily at loud talking or laughter but your favorite fun is banging two toys together to make maximum noise. You have an independent and adventurous spirit but nothing makes you happier than seeing Daddy walk through the door every evening.

This hasn't been the easiest year. We hit rock-bottom the first time we walked through our front door without three-day-old you; but we got through it. We are learning as we go when it comes to things like advocating for you to receive more therapy; but we're managing. The worst possible thing about my diagnosis is how it could affect you; but I promise as long as I have a breath in me I will never stop fighting for more days with you.

But it's been an amazing year. You've been healthy and happy and growing and developing and learning. You've been surrounded by family and friends who love you. You've been the best thing that ever happened to me and Daddy.

I can't promise what the future holds and I am slowly learning to accept that now more than ever. But I can promise that you will never be alone. I can promise that Daddy and I will always try our best to make choices that will steer you towards love, family, God, and goodness. I can promise that we will pursue every opportunity for you to thrive and to have access to pursuits in education, health, hobbies, culture, sports, career, personal life, and whatever lights you up from within. I can promise that you will end each day knowing that you are loved. I can promise that your daddy and I love each other and you always. 

I will cherish the memories of the newborn you have were and I will cling to what's left of your babyhood; but I am so excited about the toddler you are becoming and the glimpses you show us of the little boy that will be here all too quickly. I pray that you are kind, compassionate, generous, and open-hearted. I pray that you love to learn, to explore, and to reach out to others. I pray that you are a kid who enjoys the outdoors, animals, sports and books, and that you are an adult who values family, friendships, work ethic and peace. I pray that your beautiful heart leads you to do good. You inspire people you've never met and you are changing the world just by being yourself. Your life is a blessing to us all. Thank you for making me a mama and for bringing more joy to our family than we could have imagined. 

Let's hold hands and hearts for many more trips around the sun together.

Happy First Birthday, sweet Milo.


I love you, I love you, I love you,

I regret to inform you

I guess I only update this blog when I have big news over the last year. I swear I'm trying to get better at that; I've thought about it over the past 12 months and wanted to write, it just hasn't been a priority. Plus I feel like I don't have a "thing;" I could try being just another mommy blog, I could write about our Down syndrome experience but that's not my whole life, I don't cook or craft enough to make a DIY blog...  Just not sure where I fit in. But I digress.

gratuitous cute baby picture :)

So maybe you've noticed but there's a thing where PR/marketing types try to bury negative news on a Friday afternoon; with the hope that it goes relatively unnoticed over the weekend and disappears with the Monday news cycle. Look for this during the presidential campaigns.

Anyways, I wouldn't say I'm trying to bury this, necessarily, but I definitely regret having this news to share---some background (to skip over if you don't like breastfeeding talk):

Some of you know that I've exclusively pumped breastmilk for Milo since Day 1. This wasn't our first choice and we tried everything to get him to nurse, but it is what it is. Over the last 2-3 months I've been having some issues with pumping and as I hand-expressed, noticed what I thought was a blocked milk duct, and despite my best efforts it only got worse.

Several visits to the lactation consultant later, she and the Ob-Gyn referred me to Radiology to make sure it was just a blocked duct and not something to really worry about... An ultrasound quickly turned into a mammogram and biopsies, and 3 business days later (this past Tuesday) I was called by the Breast Care Coordinator confirming that they did find cancer.

This was unexpected and although there's never a "good time" to get this news, it's obviously not welcome when I've got such a little guy with such special needs to consider. I've already met with an oncologist and a surgeon, and following some diagnostic procedures it sounds like I will start 6 rounds of chemotherapy within the month, followed by a mastectomy this summer, and then hormone therapy. My family has been incredible but I would expect nothing less.

It's not my style to think that my health problems would be the center of anyone's universe and I don't like to be the center of attention, especially for something like this, but because I know I have such great and caring friends I will do my best to keep this updated for you and answer as many questions as I can. On a related note, because people have already started to ask, there's nothing special I need except your prayers, good vibes, loving thoughts, or just a nod to the heavens for successful treatment and healing. And I would ask that you keep Enrique and Milo in your prayers as well---E always tries to do too much and I don't want this experience to be too hard on him, and Milo is too young to understand but I want his little world to remain as familiar and comfortable and stable as possible. I worry for my family; I am so blessed to be loved by the greatest people and I know this is hurting them.

My guys.

As for me, I'm grateful for the miracles of modern medicine that are giving me the chance to fight this and recover my health, I'm grateful to have health insurance that is taking good care of me, I'm grateful for the endless support of my family and friends. And I'm inspired by countless others before me who have bravely fought this battle; there are so many who are living with cancer in their rearview mirror and I have every intention of doing the same.

Maybe there is actually something I can ask of you: don't brush off your health concerns and make sure that the people you love take care of themselves. Also, always be kind.

With so much love,

#FiveGoodThings: 8.4.14

I've been seeing a lot of "positivity challenges" and "100 Days of Happiness" type posts out there on The Facebook and The Instagram, etc. That's nice. I think many of us have a tendency to focus on our problems and complaints and annoyances rather than the big and little things in life that bring us joy or bring joy to others or are even just small steps in a positive direction. I know I'm definitely guilty.

So I've decided to start focusing on recording and sharing #FiveGoodThings each week. They might be little, they might be significant, they might be personal, they might be something good for a friend or family member or a complete stranger.

Everyone should be able to find five positive things that happen each week, right? I know someone as blessed as I (sometimes take for granted that I) am should have no problem with this.

So I hope that this is a good personal exercise and maybe even spreads a little happiness, causes us to pause and reflect, or mayyyybe even inspires others to try to find five --- or more!! --- good things in their week. I'm not putting it out there as a challenge, but I hope someone reading this might want to join me in this effort. I'm curious to see if it gradually brings about a better outlook and affects how I go about life. We shall see!!


And yes I am already late posting my inaugural edition. My intention is to post these Friday morning. It's Monday night. Whatever.

#FiveGoodThings: 8.8.14

1. A 10-Year Anniversary Vow Renewal - I met Nicole at our high school freshman orientation when we were given our combination locks and I was hopelessly trying to figure out how to open mine and finally asked her for help. I guess it was six or seven years later that I was one of her bridesmaids when she married Kyle, another five or so years after that when I became Godmother to her daughter Payton, and last weekend I watched her renew her vows to her husband. How neat it is to have a group of girlfriends like that. Love is always worth celebrating. And she planned a lovely party to celebrate.

Oh yeah and she asked me to letter all the chalkboard decorations so check that out. Not-so-humble brag.

Their photographer that day was Amanda Cory Photography.

2. The Lego Movie -- I have a bad habit of declaring that I'd like to watch (insert name of movie) at some point, and then when we actually sit down to watch a movie at home none of them sound appealing.... I just have to be in the mood for most movies and yes I know I'm terrible and it probably drives E crazy more than he admits to me. So last night when he read off a list of movies from the Netflix queue and I "meh'd" every one of them and we were about to just say forget it, we finally settled on The Lego Movie. We loved it. I mean, I suppose it's made for children but it's one of those that has great little jokes and references that adults will appreciate and visually it's just awesome. Oh, and you'll probably enjoy the many recognizable voices. But what I really loved was the message --- be yourself, everyone has something to contribute, don't be afraid to throw the directions aside and do what feels right to you (something I could really take to heart these days). 

Also, let your kids PLAY and explore their creativity. I thought that message was in interesting contrast to some of the criticism of Lego lately; particularly of their products marketed to girls --- examples such as those found here and here. Hopefully this marks a return to Lego's roots and represents a fresh approach that is inclusive and focused on encouraging creative play and building whatever makes you happy. 

3. Becky Hammon Hired as an Assistant Coach with the San Antonio Spurs - I guess we'll continue with the "yay women's empowerment" theme. Now I have to admit I'm not much of an NBA fan... I'll watch some of the playoffs and pay attention to the Finals, but the regular season drags on for me and I don't have a particular team that I'm rooting for.... but that could change.

Being a female sports fan, of course the headline that a woman was hired as an assistant coach in the NBA caught my eye; it's definitely not something you see everyday from any of the major professional sports in the US. And although, as I said, I don't have a major stake with any particular team, I was definitely paying attention and pulling for the Spurs this year so that I could see SDSU alum Kawhi Leonard win a ring --- and him being named the Finals MVP was amazing! --- so I'm even more impressed with this organization since reading Tuesday's news. I'm certainly no expert and there's no need for me to regurgitate when you can go directly to the source, so here are a few of the articles I enjoyed: SB Nation, Bleacher Report, The Washington Post.

It's just another step towards equality and improved diversity in sports. Sports have in the past helped to promote equality when the rest of society was still catching up --- Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier, Billie Jean King's groundbreaking work to promote gender equality, and of course more recently athletes like Jason Collins and Michael Sam taking brave steps towards ending the silence of homosexuals in the major professional leagues.

Of course a sports team can have all the feel-good stories in the world and what they're really aiming for at the end of the day is more numbers in the "W" column than the "L," so only time will tell how successful Ms. Hammon proves to be in this particular job with the Spurs (and it's critical to further progress that her performance isn't used as an indicator of the entire female population); regardless, it's an awesome step forward and I'm excited to see how things go from here.


4. Free Concert in the Park with my Grandparents -  I try to make it to at least a few of these concerts during the summer; it's such a nice way to spend beautiful summer evenings in San Diego. I was surprised that my grandparents agreed at 1pm to a concert that same evening, but we decided to be "spontaneous" and I'm glad we did!


5. Local Coffee at the Beach - I was heading down to my parents' on Saturday and, still needing coffee and really wanting to spend a few minutes at the beach, grabbed a (really yummy) cup at Katy's Cafe, this cute, funky place in Imperial Beach.

I'm trying to do a better job of utilizing my purchasing power to support local establishments, and while I have a long way to go, this was an extremely easy and satisfying way of doing so. I mean, you can't beat your morning cup of coffee with this view:

Ok, so there's my first week's worth of five good things. In a world full of crazy it feels good to reflect on a few positive moments.

What are your five good things?

xoxox,

Too Long for Twitter - A NFL Playoffs Reflection

Unless you're living under a rock, you've heard about Seattle Seahawks'  Richard Sherman's interview with Erin Andrews that apparently rocked the nation. It has set off a debate that goes beyond sports to stir up feelings about race, culture, and I'm quite frankly rather dismayed at yet another example of how we can't just be civilized people to one another.

Now I've been following the playoffs and was watching most of that game but I honestly wasn't very familiar with Sherman prior to Sunday night. And yeah, first impression when seeing his (loud) comments: He sounds like just another arrogant jerk.

But I've been doing a lot of reading and was pretty impressed with his background and rather remarkable defying of the proverbial odds. It reminded me that we're all more than what people can assume about us after a 30-second soundbite.

And then you have to put into context that we expect our professional athletes (especially NFL players) to leave it all on the field and play like cunning-yet-aggressive animals...then turn around and bear their soul eloquently in a post-game sideline interview or press conference. Most of us can't do that (play a professional sport or speak like a rational, functioning individual in front of a camera). It doesn't mean he didn't sound like an arrogant jerk when he trash-talks his opponents into a microphone, but it reminds us that most of us don't know what that's like and how we'd react if we just made a freakishly athletic play to send our team to the SuperBowl.

Sidebar --- on a semi-related note, I find this to be another example of the sports media being a bit out of control, for lack of a better description. Reporters, anchors and analysts dissect every aspect of players from the time some of them are in high school and in many cases, build them up to be the next coming of Christ, only to tear them apart the second they stumble. I mean why do we participate in and encourage that? Why do we allow companies to profit off of a self-constructed cycle of hype (I'm a fan and regularly watch ESPN, I know I'm part of the problem)? A question for another day, I suppose.

I think that --- we all have moments that we wish we could take back when in retrospect we realize that we could have said or done something differently... times when, even if we were speaking the truth or still stand behind our opinion we realize it could have been said it in a better way, or we could have represented ourselves in a more positive fashion.

I think maybe this was his moment (luckily for the rest of us, we don't usually have those moments in front of 30million).

Given that we're all human and have had Richard Sherman Moments, I think we all know that you can sound like an asshole in the moment and not actually be an asshole in every aspect of your life.

Richard Sherman, I'm willing to going to guess that in the last couple of days you have at some point felt the way I did when I got completely tounge-tied in AP History and in the moment, couldn't elegantly express my opinion on Al Gore's campaign to save my life and to this day wish I could do that over again (and to show how that minute of shortfall affected me, I was totally blacklisted for the rest of the year by a teacher already biased against women and liberals... #FirstWorldProblems?).

------

Also, let's remind ourselves that it's football and that if we put this much energy and passion into eradicating hunger or solving global warming, we would have fixed both of those issues by now.

Willing to give second chances,