makeover my soul

Name that movie quote.

I needed a change. Or rather, the blog did.

To be honest I really don't know what this little space should be. Or what it will be. I love the idea of it evolving into a legitimate job opportunity, the idea of being able to work from home around Critter's schedule (and my ever-growing list of doctor's appointments) but I'm the worst entrepreneur and wouldn't know where to start to make this into something that could be part or full-time. ANd I still don't know what I really want to write about. I'm not a "Mommy Blog" even though I have so much to say about my first year as a mom. This isn't a blog about breast cancer even though I've been pretty preoccupied by that lately. And it's not a blog about Down syndrome, even though I'm passionate about the community, or about crafting and DIY even though that's probably my only real hobby at this point.

I'm not sure where this is going and I guess that sounds a lot like the rest of my life at this point --- I have a good idea of what I want it to be and I don't know how I'm going to get there. I know a few things for sure --- I enjoy having a place to write and share and appreciate hearing feedback, if anything I write is ever helpful to someone then it's worth any amount of time and effort on my part, and I want this to be a reflection of my best self. So it was time for a bit of change.

"Paint by Number Dreams" to me was about things that were missing, colors needing to be filled in, just an outline that had so much promise but needed to color to be full and vivid. Metaphorically speaking, much of that happened when Milo came into our lives. As cliche as it is, becoming parents made our lives richer and more meaningful (and chaotic and challenging) than we could have imagined; and in particular, finding our footing in the special needs community has offered us so much that we may not have otherwise experienced. Milo is the promise that has been fulfilled and more than I will ever deserve.

"Day by Grace" is a better reflection of where I am now... Most days are good, some are really, really hard; and all of them are made full and possible with grace.

Over the past few years and especially the past few months, I've put my faith in the belief that God has a plan for me and us. I have to, otherwise none of the bad things that happen make any sense. I know many would say that bad things are just part of life because its not fair, but I believe that yes, bad things happen, but they serve some greater purpose or plan. We don't know what that is yet, but that's where the faith part comes in. None of us are perfect of deserving or capable of fully understanding it, but God has woven our lives together and we just have to trust that things will work out the way they're supposed to... 

image via Etsy

I'm not saying I believe that everything that happens is good or for the greater good, sometimes things happen that are just terrible and don't make sense and are beyond my ability to understand --- like a few weeks ago when my heart broke over reading about several other young moms who were diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and didn't make it more than a year. What good comes from that we will never know in this lifetime. 

But I do know that grace finds us at our lowest point and helps make it possible to move forward and try again another day. Sometimes that might be a "sign," sometimes it's someone you love offering a shoulder to cry on, maybe it's even giving into our sadness and frustration by binging on comfort food but only for awhile. God works in mysterious ways, right? Grace meets us where we are and leaves us in a better place. 

image via A Holy Experience

So I'm trying to make it day by day, by grace. And I'm trying to be grace for others and recognize it when others are the daily dose of grace in my life. I'm trying to appreciate more and be more present (as I play Raffi songs and hand snacks to Milo asking him to please give me ten minutes to finish this post). Most of all, I'm praying to live with grace and gratitude and to use those in whatever path life is taking me down, so that wherever it leads my heart will be full and I'll be confident in the love that surrounds me.

Full of Grace, 

I regret to inform you

I guess I only update this blog when I have big news over the last year. I swear I'm trying to get better at that; I've thought about it over the past 12 months and wanted to write, it just hasn't been a priority. Plus I feel like I don't have a "thing;" I could try being just another mommy blog, I could write about our Down syndrome experience but that's not my whole life, I don't cook or craft enough to make a DIY blog...  Just not sure where I fit in. But I digress.

gratuitous cute baby picture :)

So maybe you've noticed but there's a thing where PR/marketing types try to bury negative news on a Friday afternoon; with the hope that it goes relatively unnoticed over the weekend and disappears with the Monday news cycle. Look for this during the presidential campaigns.

Anyways, I wouldn't say I'm trying to bury this, necessarily, but I definitely regret having this news to share---some background (to skip over if you don't like breastfeeding talk):

Some of you know that I've exclusively pumped breastmilk for Milo since Day 1. This wasn't our first choice and we tried everything to get him to nurse, but it is what it is. Over the last 2-3 months I've been having some issues with pumping and as I hand-expressed, noticed what I thought was a blocked milk duct, and despite my best efforts it only got worse.

Several visits to the lactation consultant later, she and the Ob-Gyn referred me to Radiology to make sure it was just a blocked duct and not something to really worry about... An ultrasound quickly turned into a mammogram and biopsies, and 3 business days later (this past Tuesday) I was called by the Breast Care Coordinator confirming that they did find cancer.

This was unexpected and although there's never a "good time" to get this news, it's obviously not welcome when I've got such a little guy with such special needs to consider. I've already met with an oncologist and a surgeon, and following some diagnostic procedures it sounds like I will start 6 rounds of chemotherapy within the month, followed by a mastectomy this summer, and then hormone therapy. My family has been incredible but I would expect nothing less.

It's not my style to think that my health problems would be the center of anyone's universe and I don't like to be the center of attention, especially for something like this, but because I know I have such great and caring friends I will do my best to keep this updated for you and answer as many questions as I can. On a related note, because people have already started to ask, there's nothing special I need except your prayers, good vibes, loving thoughts, or just a nod to the heavens for successful treatment and healing. And I would ask that you keep Enrique and Milo in your prayers as well---E always tries to do too much and I don't want this experience to be too hard on him, and Milo is too young to understand but I want his little world to remain as familiar and comfortable and stable as possible. I worry for my family; I am so blessed to be loved by the greatest people and I know this is hurting them.

My guys.

As for me, I'm grateful for the miracles of modern medicine that are giving me the chance to fight this and recover my health, I'm grateful to have health insurance that is taking good care of me, I'm grateful for the endless support of my family and friends. And I'm inspired by countless others before me who have bravely fought this battle; there are so many who are living with cancer in their rearview mirror and I have every intention of doing the same.

Maybe there is actually something I can ask of you: don't brush off your health concerns and make sure that the people you love take care of themselves. Also, always be kind.

With so much love,

The B-side of that Padres Mixtape

That's what cassettes had, right? I know vinyls had a B-side... didn't cassette tapes?

A couple of months or so ago I made a hypothetical mixtape for Padres fans. I liked to think of it as equal parts hopeful, justifiably critical, a bit cynical, and above all --- dedicated with love.

Well when I made that mixtape and attempted to eloquently state my reasoning behind each song selection, I was under the false impression that the season couldn't get worse. I should have known better.

Because there's nothing like seeing homegrown talent get traded and then flourish with a "big club" or questioning three-seasons-ago roster moves or trying to learn a million new names when injuries result in guys being called up or just being disappointed to hear about a player suspension.  Or being no-hit for the second time in two seasons. By the same pitcher.  #DarkestTimeline

And of course there was the absolute heartbreak that was Tony's passing. Can't really go there right now.

So I'd been considering making a few additions to the mixtape, and whilst currently watching this rag-tag group of dreamers taking on the Cubs, why not....

1. "When Will I Be Loved?" - Linda Ronstadt
Written by Phil Everly of the Everly Brothers --- but I'm sharing Linda Ronstadt's performance because she's my Number One Girl Crush --- I wonder if he was in fact a prophetic Padres fan... Consider lines such as "When I find a new man... he always breaks my heart in two... (granted that was slightly altered from the original)" and "I've been made blue..." Really, Phil Everly? What did you foresee that we didn't? And do any of your other songs contain clues as to when the team will #BringBackTheBrown and, you know, win?

Not baseball-related but in my next life I want to come back as 20-year old Linda Ronstadt.

2. "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" - The Beatles

Yeah, I know some incredible fans who are loyal-to-the-core, ride-or-die types, but that doesn't mean it isn't a bit embarrassing sometimes to sit through another 1-0 or 2-0 loss... to have fans of other teams ask what's happened or what's being done to improve and you really don't know what to tell them... I'm not suggesting that anyone hide their love for the Pads by any means --- in fact I'm all for spreading the love and trying to convert anyone who will listen to give our guys a chance --- but with lyrics like "Everywhere people stare - Each and every day - I can see them laugh at me..." it's hard not to identify with this Fab Four tune every once in awhile.

3. "Hopelessly Devoted To You" - Grease Soundtrack

"Oh, you have a bad baseball team? Cry me a river," - Cubs fans, probably. 

This is how I feel every year at the trade deadline:

"Hold on 'til the end...that's what I intend to do."

4. "Waiting in Vain" - Bob Marley

Hey, new owners... you gonna' make this a winning franchise or what? Yeah, the payroll increased --- we're still within the bottom 10 teams and shedding some of the bigger contracts --- and the pitching is pretty solid if you don't count the injuries and I hear that you've made your desire for an All-Star Game at Petco known. These are all good things. But Padres fans have waited a long time and went through some pretty patience-testing times with recent owners. Please don't trail us along leaving teeny breadcrumbs of hope only to come up short when the big opportunities present themselves. We've waited long enough (In fact, I recently commented vented to my mom and dad that so far this ownership has proven that the thing they're really good at is hosting memorial services ---- and I don't ever want to have to go through one of those again. Two in six months is more than enough.). 

5. "Running On Faith" - Eric Clapton

You've got to keep it to be able to run on it, right? 

6. "You Still Believe in Me" - The Beach Boys

Imagine getting a love song like this from the ownership/struggling players. I. Would. Swoon. 

"I know perfectly well

I'm not where I should beI've been very awareYou've been patient with me...
How can it be
You still believe in me..."
More so from the ownership/front office of the last six or seven years --- I feel like, just admit that you've made mistakes; we'd respect that more than statements that sound like flimsy excuses/passing the blame or cover-ups.

So what genres am I clearly missing in the two editions of this mixtape? And what do you want to see from this team; in the last few days before the trade deadline and looking towards next year? I have mixed feelings about posting this now that the Padres just beat the Cubs 8-3 but let's have this conversation anyways ---- I need to think of some really fun, positive songs to include!!

Keep the Faith, 

A Mixtape for #Padres Fans

Are you old enough to remember buying blank cassettes in order to make a mixtape -- a collection of songs with particular significance, or just the ones you wanted to listen to on repeat in your Walkman?

#AgingMyself

I still like to make mixtapes for all occasions (i.e. - holidays, birthdays, dinner parties, road trips), only now with Itunes I don't have to wait for a certain song to come on the radio and hit "record" on my little purple Sony cassette player. Technology has changed lives, dude.

Anyways, as any San Diego Padres fan -- or anyone whose team isn't necessarily lighting up the standings -- knows, it's a long season. Sometimes when the on-the-field performance isn't much to speak of, conversation turns elsewhere. I've had the pleasure of great conversations with local fans via the magic of Twitter, and a few common themes seems to come up over and over again ---

• why does it feel like the ownership doesn't listen to fans? why do they refuse when asked to offer insight on the supposed fan feedback and focus groups whose data leads them to make decisions on the fan experience and marketing?
• on that note - why does it feel like the ownership and management does nothing to really endear itself to fans, instead distancing itself through the same mediocre business decisions? 
• why does it seem like the team makes the same decisions over and over when from an armchair quarterback perspective, they're idiots? 
• why can't we get three hits in a row (as Steve Poltz so perfectly sang)... your pitchers should't have to throw a shutout every night in order to make sure you have a chance to win... I'm a pitching-and-defense-appreciating girl, but at some point you do have to score in order to win.
• why must we suffer through the same disappointing cycle of tracking our minor league prospects' progress for years, celebrating their debut in the majors and enjoying their success, only to see them traded to a big-time team for more prospects when they are due a new contract?

• And, BRING BACK THE BROWN, ALREADY (or, don't because it looks like poop and the '70s uniforms are ugly and we have no imagination to visualize a modern, updated uniform that incorporates brown as a tribute to Padres' history and to differentiate ourselves from the multitudes of teams wearing blue, which the aforementioned management has latched onto for no apparent reason).... there's some healthy debate on this one, but I refuse to believe that we're the so-called "vocal minority."

And thus, I have made a mixtape for my fellow long-suffering Padres fans, to reflect these thoughts and conversations, inspire hope, and maybe offer a little comic relief. I hope it brings a small slice of satisfaction to this fabulous and long-suffering fanbase.

1. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction; The Rolling Stones -- whether it's like, every pitcher in your starting rotation and half the bullpen needing Tommy John the same year, your homegrown second baseman signing a huge contract and then seemingly forgetting what a bat is for, your starting pitched giving up one run in the first but otherwise pitching a gem and still getting a 1-0 loss, or the ownership making a strong declaration that they claim is based on market research and refuse to disclose said research, it can be hard to get much satisfaction from this team sometimes (and yet, nobody is going anywhere... #KeepTheFaith)
2. I Wanna' Know What Love Is; Foreigner -- "In my life, there's been heartache and pain; I don't know if I can face it again... Can't stop now, I've traveled so far, to change this lonely heart..." I consider this a bit of a love letter to the ownership. CHOOSE ME. LOVE ME. TAKE ME OUT TO A NICE DINNER AND SHOW ME YOU STILL CARE.  

   

   I hate this show and every character in it because of lines like this.

3. Don't Let Me Down; The Beatles -- the title is self-explanatory. Nobody ever loved them like we does.
4. You Were Always On My Mind; Willie Nelson -- I imagine that this would be the ownership/management's answer to my plaintive #3-4.
5. The Fixer; Pearl Jam -- Couldn't leave out something from the center of The Vedder Cup. Don't we all wish some Fixer would come in and get. shit. done. on the field, in the front office, on the teevee, etc. We need a Doug Stamper (and YES I GOT IN A DOUG STAMPER REFERENCE). 

   

   New Manager?

6. I Want You Back; N'Sync -- dedicated to Brown Uniforms everywhere.  

   

   No poop-and-mustard-colored uniform could ever be as awkward as this.

7. We're All in This Together; High School Musical soundtrack -- the Padres are a mid-market team, generally shunned or ignored by the national media, and our home games are routinely infiltrated by fans of other teams who are either SD transplants or or marked the trip on their calendar when the schedule came out because Why Wouldn't You Want To Come To San Diego On Vacation From Chicago?  Fellow Fans, the odds are stacked against us; we shouldn't waste our time and energy on arguing within the ranks on the uniform color or who's batting eighth. 
8. Fighter; Christina Aguilera  -- Hey Padres, it's frustrating loving you sometimes. Thanks for making me a little bit stronger. "But your joy ride just came down in flames 'cause your greed sold me out in shame" -- dedicated to the '93 fire sale (in which I distinctly remember being So. Mad. in the car with my dad -- I think we were getting tacos -- at the trading of Gary Sheffield, but then I stood next to him crying at Trevor's #51 retirement ceremony so sometimes life comes full-circle.) Full disclosure -- I would have preferred a way to get Dirrty on this list as far as Xtina goes, but I wanted to maintain the integrity of this project.
9. Hold On; Wilson Phillips -- it's kind of like the musical manifestation of Keep The Faith. 
10. Faithfully; Journey -- it can't be easy being a professional ballplayer... the long road trips (especially the young'uns on long bus trips), the pressure of trying to make the most of every opportunity... I've had this conversation many times over the years --- for all their frustrating decisions, I've always felt like, overall, the Padres have a pretty good group of guys. Not a ton of assholes in the bunch. And, at least in recent years, even when the talent might not be up to par and the going gets tough, you never doubt that they're at the plate just phoning it in... they're at least trying.  So I imagine this as a duet between players and fans.
11. I Dreamed a Dream; Les Miserables soundtrack -- A bit dramatic. But remember when you were just a youngster of a fan and yeah the losses hurt and sometimes players let you down but you didn't know enough to really critique the team and either way it didn't matter because you were just so damn happy and excited to watch baseball? Going to a game was like going to Disneyland combined with Chuck E. Cheese combined with your birthday. Why don't we retain that excitement?  

    

    vive la revolution?

12. Stand By Your Man; Tammy Wynette -- and show the world you love him. Keep giving all the love you can.
13. They Go to San Diego; Mel Torme - because we're the destination for pitchers hoping to revitalize their careers, troubled players needing a change of scenery, or once-glorious bats hoping to squeak out a couple more seasons in a low-pressure environment with plenty of golf options and a great environment that their kids will love during the summer.
14. A Little Bit is Better Than Nada; The Texas Tornados -- because mediocre and even downright bad baseball is better than no baseball (also, this is from the Tin Cup soundtrack and you gotta' love Kevin Costner playing a down-on-his-luck athlete going after his dream, right?).
15. The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful; Jimmy Buffett -- more for the title/chorus than the entirety of the lyrics, but hey, come for the weather, right?
16. Won't Get Fooled Again; The Who -- One, this is a fave of mine and completely bad ass. Speak up with your voice and your wallet and demand more from the powers-that-be, it's our money their taking to  (not so easy when bad baseball is better than no baseball, though).
17. Minority; Green Day -- another tribute to the "Vocal Minority" of the #BringBackTheBrown movement.
18. Local Hero; Bruce Springsteen -- let me get deep for a second; because I feel like whoring the Park in the Park out to the Fox Sports San Diego desk (on what planet is it necessary to have a desk/stage that big?) has compromised the Park in the Park experience (the top of the hill was among the best seats out there) and more importantly, the Tony Gwynn statue. There is no justifiable excuse in my mind for that monstrosity of a news desk to be blocking Mr. Padre and taking away from fans' ability to experience something so meaningful (this has been covered much more eloquently here). 

    

    Tony deserves better. So do the fans.

19. Let It Be; The Beatles -- When the night is covered by the marine layer, there is still a light that shines on our team... 'til tomorrow, Let It Be. There will be an answer.... maybe from the draft, maybe from a trade or free agency signing, maybe from yet another Tommy John; but listen to your heart for The Colonel's words of wisdom. 
20. Baseball; Ozma -- baseball is inherently nostalgic... and it's a GAME. Let's not let the business of baseball ruin the thrill of a triple, the grace of a double play, or the edge-of-your-seat drama of a no-hit bid. As Crash Davis said better than I ever could; "This game's fun, ok? Fun goddammit!"

    

    It would always be worse.

Ok Padres fans, what do you think? Agree/disagree...what songs would you add? I would love to expand the list!! Aside from making the on-the-field changes that the team obviously needs, what would you do to make sure we're all having more fun (goddammit)? Have you signed the Bring Back the Brown petition yet? Is "You Lost That Loving Feeling" a good move for in-game sing-along or is it like trying to make "Fetch" happen?

xoxox

Keeping the Faith,